The holiday guest, like the holidays themselves, should be festive, well-meaning and full of good cheer. We know this can be difficult to achieve and have all experienced the other side of the equation. By mid-December you’re over-programmed, rushing to buy gifts you vowed to get earlier in the year. We’re all so determined to have fun in the face of endless stress that if you hear “Jingle Bell Rock” one more time, you might just have a nervous breakdown right in the middle of the department store. And then you have to go to the office holiday party. It’s a lot to deal with. If you’re the holiday host, at least it’s a home game. If you’re the guest, however, then you’re on foreign territory. Here are some ways to ensure your behavior doesn’t get you blacklisted for years to come.
Illustration by Hilbrand Bos
Build the Goodwill
Establish positive feelings in the days before you arrive with a charm offensive. Send some bottles of Champagne or delights from a beloved local bakery to set the good mood. You’ll be even more welcome when you make your entrance.
Plan a Discrete Arrival
You may have a particular way you take your coffee; you may even need a specific kind. If that’s the case, just smuggle in what you need with discretion. Don’t make a whole production about it. And unless your host is big on picking people up from the airport, offer to take a cab to their house.
Get in the Spirit
Sounds obvious, right? Well it’s all fun and games until you’re expected to dive into whatever traditions your hosts enjoy, especially if those traditions involve singing carols that require solos (don’t get stuck with the partridge in a pear tree). More reasonable are White Elephant exchanges. For my contribution, I think a cologne from the 1980s strikes the right comic tone; you can explain to the younger generation what Drakkar Noir is.
You might have to watch an NFL game. Don’t harp on the fact that you don’t care about sports, and really don’t root against the home team (even if it’s the Packers!). At this point, it’s not about you, it’s about the hosts. But if they propose karaoke then I have nothing to say; you’re on your own!
Arrange Dinner on the House
The goal is to make yourself as little work for your hosts as possible. One easy solution: Arrange one dinner. Plan this ahead of time so your friends know what to expect. Tell them you’re taking care of the tab and take them to a beloved eatery (you book the reservation and get the Uber).
If you end up cooking, you’ll have to hit the grocery store and navigate a foreign kitchen — meaning you’ll end up asking the homeowners a lot of questions (where’s the blender, again?). But it’s worth it if you’re a master behind the burners and famous for your rack of lamb. A strong gesture, but more involved. The goal: In a season of endless programming, creating one night where the host can relax — no driving, no dishes, no worries — is a true dream.
Make a Strategic Disappearance
Some etiquette experts suggest weekend house guests make themselves scarce for about five hours each day. The thinking is that you don’t need to be entertained at all times. I have always found this idea appealing. Your charm shines most when it’s not under a steady stream of witticisms — save them for the main event: dinner under the lights!
If you’re in a country house, go for long walks or even fish. If you’re in a city, tell your host you want to check out the latest exhibition at the Met or the Walker. Invite them if they want to come, of course, but you’re signaling that you’re an independent adult (congratulations!) who doesn’t need to be minded at all times. If they are not a member, then get them a membership — how thoughtful you are.
Gift Before You Go
Don’t feel bad if your host considers it a relief once you’ve departed. You probably feel good about it, too. They have their house to themselves; you have your independence back. They will speak kindly of you if you leave them a parting gift they can use during the season: tickets to the Nutcracker, a box of macarons, a good bottle of Burgundy. Whether you’re a host or a guest, let’s all keep in the spirit and enjoy the season.
A Minnesotan turned New Yorker, David Coggins is the author of the New York Times bestseller Men and Style and writes a recurring column for Artful Living.
Read this article as it appears in the magazine.
